A Poem For Bob

          You used to look so alien
Black holes for eyes, a daunted gaze
at all you saw. My heart ablazed.
Your soft, white fur, tiny body,
Oversized cranium
Again, those eyes, which still amaze.

           You're my alien baby Bobby.

"Gulls"

Why is it
you did it?
That streak on
my window.

I contemplate
"An aim?"
You counter,
with my cat's name.

By Laura D

A Nursery Rhyme by Laura D

*Tick tock* "Marjorie Dock" 
Who in the hell are you?
I've never hear of you before
And put down that bomb.

By Laura D 

First posted on Twitter HERE

Coffee Stirrers - A Poem

Coffee stirrers, two
Clouding out my worded page
Changing it's hue
It almost looks staged
That stupid cross
Upon mine page.

By Laura D

For Bud "The Morning Stovies"

"THE MORNING STOVIES" 

Frost litters the car park
Cold demanding heat
A distant dog "bark bark"
He'll take his morning stovies

I don't know which part is the Stovie
But he knows
Yes, he knows
Which part is the Stovie

I don't know Stovie from Stevie
I think it's the mince...or potato
Or does it have mince?!!
Woah

He'll take those morning Stovies now.

By Laura D

The Birthday Roundup!

A week since turning 29, here is a (rhyming) photo essay of my birthday. Enjoy!

Feeling cool as Fred Astaire

This new top hat I'll wear

Like the call from a bugle

There's a birthday wish from Google

Breakfast: hyper inducing,

Let's eat that giant cupcake

Then some trick shots and no mistake

Not hyper enough?

 How 'bout a Dolce Gusto coffee pod?

It's like drinking satin,

Then we'll sing like Princess Jasmine

 

Or like Princess Ariel

But like a princess for sure.

I don't care if you're a man,

You're not getting to be Peter Pan

You're a princess

And a wonderful present

I must say

Cause it's practically perfect in every way

The sun is shining

And I feel debonair

Cause today I am cool

Like Mr Fred Astaire

Cali The Kitten

"There once was a cat named Cali

Who wanted me to be her pally

Our love was big as the seas

Then turned out she had fleas

And now she sleeps outside"

by Laura D

Blood Thieves - A Poem

If you can keep your blood

When all around

Are losing theirs

Then you're a better man than me

Ugghhh...I'm gonna fai--

by Laura D

Autumnal Poem

The time is now Autumn

Leaves gather at tree bottom

The buttock of the tree

Always brings us such glee

Buttocks, bottom, patootie

Rearend, rump or booty

This poem's turned quite fruity

So I hope you are not snooty

Clocks soon to change their tune

But that won't bother the moon

He'll soon appear quite mean

23 days til Halloween!

By Laura D

Update! Edgar Allan Poe, Earthquakes and More!

I will do this post in my favourite form...BULLET POINTS! Pkaow, pkaow! (bullet shots)
Onto the update!

• There is someone that hasn't been formally introduced to the blogosphere yet. So now, grab your cameras, as I introduce my newest friend...the one, the only...

Edgar Allan Poe!

 Yes, he's a hamster.

• Yesterday, I experienced my very first earthquake!! Here's how it went down. Middle of the night I feel the bed shaking, and in my Neverland state (that place between sleep and awake) I figure maybe Edgar is running so fast on his wheel that he's shaking the whole entire bed. I go back to sleep and find out the next morning there was a 6.0 magnitude earthquake! My first ever, yay! Not as good as a ride on the teacups though.
• I think donkeys are underrated.

No finer way to finish off a blogpost than with a poem! So here we go, don't hold your breath but you might want to anyway:

17 kangaroos
Had 17 didgeridoos
Each played a tune
Around about noon
While the rest danced around and boxed
#BadTastePoem

By Laura D

Yeah, that's right I used a hashtag in a poem, deal with it.

Thanks for reading chaps and chapettes!

Laura D Wrecks The Classics

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty was a bowling ball
Not an egg
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again
Because he was a bowling ball
And you can't fix one of those once it's broken

"Nanny's Goin To Largs" - A Poem

A boring sort of day
Will soon be led astray
When a call from outside
Shouts out with so much pride

"Nanny's goin' to Largs!
Nanny's goin' to Largs!"

Gather up your spare coins
At the car we'll rejoins
Even though it's pure spittin'
She'll pause on her knittin'

"Nanny's goin' to Largs!
Nanny's goin' to Largs!"

To the arcade machines!
We'll win by any means
Last for a ninety-nine
Then home to the Scotch Pine
...where we'll gather caterpillars.

By Laura D

Totties, Corned Beef and Beans. A Poem By Laura D

Totties, corned beef and beans
Yes we all know wut it means
The taste of it is just uncanny
Whether it's made by you, or Nanny

And then we all have brew stew
Much tastier than kangaroo
And of course that was made by Nan
But never in a caravan

But the best is mince and totties
Which never gives you blood clottys
But was made by wee Marion
Who by the way, ain't libertarian.

By Laura D

An Ode to Chino

A rodent with attitude

And not so much gratitude

All the food he will hoard

But at least he's not Rob Ford

He loves to sleep all day long

And doesn't think it's wrong

Breath making the cage misty

At least he's not Chris Christie

"Bring me tons of peanuts

And some carrots and doughnuts!"

Doesn't care what you say

Unlike the NSA

Now for some facts:

Doesn't ever pay tax

He's never seen a kitten

Best friend is Bill Clinton

That's Chino

By Laura D

"Booty Call" A Poem by Laura D

Booty Call, Booty Call

There you are

Booty Call, Booty Call

Never too far

Sweet little Booty Call

Don't be a putz

Silly little Booty Call

I'm all out of nuts

Chino, little hamster

There's no nuts at all

Chino, little hamster

All thanks to Booty Call

Booty Call, Booty Call

My hamster is hungry

Booty Call, Booty Call

Give him your sundries!

By Laura D

Yes. I named the squirrel Booty Call.

30 Days til Halloween! - "Halloween Nears" Poem

As Halloween nears
I've wondered for years
Why I'm not rich
Maybe I'm a witch?

Who else can I portray?
As it's almost the day
Can I be a zombie?
Or possibly George Formby?

Perhaps I could conspire
To be a vampire?
You kids should pipe down!
Or I'll be a clown!

I could go to City Hall
And be the worst thing of all
Just to amuse
I'll be Ted Cruz!

By Laura D

"Being funny"

If only being funny
Could make you easy money
I'd be on permanent staff
Just to make you laugh
OH! And BUTTOCKS!

Write a Poem

Write a poem
That'll show 'em
Rhyme those words together

Write a poem
Then just throw 'em
Out in the cold weather

Write a poem
And then mow 'em
Down like Scottish heather

But woah there, Jean
Don't be so mean
It's just a stupid poem

By Laura D

WRITTEN IN UNDER 2 MINUTES I HOPE YOU KNOW!!

Yep.

A Friday Poem

A smile on my face

I can't keep up the pace

Of my blue little friend

So the vine lift I'll descend

Born with a deformity

And never for conformity

I'll get stuck in the walls

And have many falls

Flying like a bird

May seem so absurd

For an orange little fox

That totally rocks

by Laura D

 

The Dream Poem

I had a dream last night, everyone kept going on and on about this kid who won a poetry contest. They kept saying it's the best poem they've ever read. After much wondering, at the end of the dream I got to see it. It was engraved on this black piece of, I dunno, thing. And this was it...

"Camel identity

Worth ink"

Now if anyone can figure out what the hell that means, I would be more than interested to know!

Speaking of which, why do poems have to be so cryptic? Why can't you just have a good old fashioned poem where you don't need to crack a code? Like, oh I don't know....this one I just wrote...

Buttocks, buttocks

They're so great

Sat on by a buttock

That's my fate

This poem represents my premonition of dying by accidentally being sat on by a fat person.

Also, poets should have to explain their poems. The way I just did. Cause I'm cool.

Buttocks.