From The Heart AKA At My Wits End

         The woodlands were damp and dark that April night, her eyes reflected magnificently in the moon's glow. I was neither handsome nor cool. But she was stupid, so I convinced her I was both handsome and cool. She looked up at me,

“You must be the tallest in this whole country!” 

She hadn't seemed to notice I was sitting atop a tree.

“Of course I am! Come sit up here by me, my dear. It's cold down there on the grass, and up here we can see the whole town, all the houses!”

She tried. Boy, did she try. But those stubby legs were getting her nowhere.

“Come on, I ain't got all night darlin'!”

After 45 minutes of watching her struggle I made my way carefully down in an awkward, about to lose my footing sort of fashion, like the hero I am. Rubbing my cheek against hers, I said,

“Let's take a walk, baby. There's a house yonder I have my eye on.”

Now is when I, Laura D, the editor of this beautiful story must insist on cutting in and then cutting out what the original author had written next. It was graphic and unnecessarily silly.

And now is when I, the CEO of D-LightFilled Publishing®, for legal reasons would like to step in and clarify a few things:

1. The author of this story is one “Stripey the Cat”
2. The editor of this story is one Laura D McBryde
3. The CEO of D-LightFilled Publishing® is that same Laura D McBryde, or maybe it isn't, you don't know.

Now that's all out of the way...this story was based on a true one.

Stripey, one April night, impregnated Cali the kitten, who then came to live with the CEO of D-LightFilled Publishing® and gave birth, hence how our whole family is now stupid with cats. All of this was fine until recently when Mr Stripey rediscovered where Cali lives and has moved himself and all of his belongings in (including his....wait, what's the organ that produces farts? Because he's certainly moved that into the house too).

IF YOU KNOW THIS GUY PLEASE CONTACT ME @lauradmcbryde on Twitter or in the comments here.

Here's his picture. He had it done by a professional using some money I had set aside for the icey.

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THIS GUY PLEASE CONTACT ME @lauradmcbryde on Twitter or again, in the comments here.

Thank you.

The Whole Kitten Caboodle

So we had a little event in the early hours of Monday morning. 1.30am to be specific!

I was awakened by a punch in the eye from Cali the cat. "Ouch! Get off, you." This was followed by the "lion killing an antelope" move, teeth straight into my throat! I suddenly realize what's happening, it's time for that now basketball sized belly to pop. So I Michael Jordan it the hell out of bed (I don't know enough about basketball to make a proper analogy so just accept that sentence).

We sit for about 20 minutes together at the top of the stairs, ever wondered what a cat having contractions looks like? Well here you go...

Much what I imagine a human having contractions looks like, with less susceptability for meme-ing.

We eventually head downstairs and (I'll spare you all the gory details and pics) yada, yada, yada, 5 kittens!!

Okay, one gory(ish) pic...

Slimey kittens!

It took 4 hours in total then all 7 of us collapsed. Til the mewwwwing awoke us.

Now enjoy some adorable kitten pics!

Individual posts about each kitten coming to a blog near you!

Well it's coming to my blog.

At some point. 

Stop hassling me!

Reasons To Hate Spiderman (And Spiderman Toys)

So on Friday I got myself a Happy Meal. Just look at that, it's rare you

take a picture of your Micky D's and have it ACTUALLY look good.

So just look at that for a minute.

(Apple slices not pictured, as they angered me so much

I didn't even take them out the bag)

Okay, that's enough staring, boys and girls.  As we all know the best(ish) part of a Happy Meal is the toy. I received a Spiderman toy! .....I do not like Spiderman. I have done many posts on this but we'll not go into that right now*.

Here he is in all his glory...

He's like one of those dreidels. Spins about like a maniac. My question is: How the HELL does that help him defeat his enemies??!! Surely that would hinder the whole process. We all know Batman is the greatest super hero of all. Now let me ask you...have you ever...EVEN ONCE...seen Batman spin around in circles? I think not. And I think I've made my point here.


...One would think that's where the story ends. But alas! You would be incorrect mon freres and soeurs. (ma soeurs??) Anyway, that night, I brought Spidey boy home with me...and as I went to shower, there was a spider in the bath!!!

I thought nothing of it. As would be normal.

But then...2 nights later. I'm in bed, "hmm...somethings tickling my arm..must be my hair", at this point I remember I had put my hair UP. But thought nothing of it.

...9 seconds later, another tickle. "Hmm, that's weird, let me scratch it" As I move my hand to scratch my upper arm (you know, where my huge muscles are) I turn my head and simultaenously JUMP OUT OF THE BED.......BACKWARDS!

A black spider was crawling up my arm. MY NAKED ARM. Eeeeeuuuuccchhhh!! (Scottish term, that is)

Both of these times, my lovely husband came to the rescue. He's so lovely. He kills for me, you know. It's like Goodfellas, but with spiders.

Anyhoo, getting to the point. After all these incidents, for a few days I had been noticing a spider in the corner of the bathroom. But I didn't want to keep looking like a sissy. So I said nothing. "I don't need to go into that corner anyway, you can have it, Mr Spider! It's all yours!"

And then today, husband goes to the bathroom, comes back, grabs a lighter, says "There's a black widow in there". The same spider I'd been seeing all those days!!! I shoulda just screamed like with all the other spiders! But oh no, I didn't want to be a sissy.

Jeez oh. I give ONE spider ONE chance ONE time in all my life!!! And this is what happens. NEVER AGAIN! Freakin' spiders.

So in conclusion, I blame that Spiderman toy. He was luring all his friends into my flat. He is in the bin now.

*Amazing Spiderman Review

Small Burgers

I knew this French guy one time. He was a burger guy, served you burgers. But they were so small, you needed to eat 2 of them. Problem was he was stubborn. He'd only let you have one burger. His name was Tahpel. I was regularly heard to be shouting "Come on Tahpel! 2!"

5 points if you understand this story. Good for you.

Hello Kitty Easter Ripoff!!

So at Target I bought this Hello Kitty chocolate egg that has a toy inside (blatant ripoff of a Kinder Surprise but it's Hello Kitty so I forgive her....and no, that's not even the most rippiest off part!).

It only cost a dollar. I open it, snack at the chocolate, it's pretty horrible, so I figure "okay, my dollar must have went to the super cool toy inside!"

I go inside and what do I get?! A mini Hello Kitty jigsaw, yay!!

I start to assemble this cutest of puzzles WHEN SUDDENLY I FINISH AND THIS IS WHAT I'M LEFT WITH.....

A MISSING PIECE!!!! I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!

Guilt Fish

My husband suggested we buy some little fish for the pond out back. Fishies in the garden, yay! So we go to PetSmart to get these minnows (some sort of tiny fish).

15 cents, they cost. Jeez oh, that's cheap. "We'll take a dozen" he tells the guy. The guy opens the tank and proceeds to collect the fish.

"15 cents," I think, "For a living thing...."

All of a sudden I start to feel very strange. An odd, uncomfortable feeling.

The guy drops a fish on the table accidentally, and gathers it up again with a little blue net.

I look around. "Hey those goldfish cost 17 cents. ...how come the goldfish cost two more?" my mind continues, "And those geezers over there! They're $3.50 each!" This confuses me, at best.

I look back at the guy. There's not a dozen yet, he goes back to the tank. One falls on the floor, it takes him 3 attempts to pick it up.

I'm not enjoying this.

He stuffs em in a plastic bag and puts a hose in it, it puffs up like a balloon.

This does not feel right at all. I want to run and hide by the hamsters. But they all have wet tail!

I hear birds chirping and screeching like maniacs in a closed off room, marked "Staff Only". I bet there are diseased hammys in there too.

GUILT! That's what it is! $1.80 for 12 little creatures! Man. This sucks.

Anyway, here are the fishies....

I call this one big eye, because of his...big eye. The other 11 are yet to be named but are all happily in a pond now. Soon to be accidentally licked by thirsty squirrels.

Root Beer Making!

Yeah, you can MAKE root beer. Does "root beer" need to be capitalized? Root Beer? Well maybe I'll capitalize on it just like these crazy mofos...

Anyhoo, my major problem with this Root Beer making kit was the instructions. And to be specific, the lack of face on this guy

Faceless and nameless. It was too sad, SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE. So I did it. And I'm sure he'd be happy with the plastic surgery I doodled onto him. Allowing him to see. To feel. To love. TO MAKE ROOT BEER.

Look at him there, proudly pouring his "stuff".

Yeah so anyway, we made root beer. Sorry! Root Beer! And it shall be ready in 1-3 days.

The Excursion

Today I was wanting to write stuff to film but it just wasn't happening. So I decided getting out of the house and sitting outside somewhere would help me, less distractions and the such. I took my notebook, pen and Hello Kitty bag. You gots to take the Hello Kitty bag.

I sat there for I dunno how long, I write maybe one sentence. And my nose is acting up, way too hayfever-y with all these trees around me! WAY too hayfever-y! AND too hot, I'm boiling. It occurs to me that I use the same words chefs use for cooking but in a "I'm too hot" complaining way. "Boiling" "Roasting" "Sweating".

I also get distracted with taking photos of random things...

That would be a cigarette. Unsmoked, if you're interested.

That would be me. Yes, I'm a random thing.

Thought of adding a Vote Chino sticker to this guys car.

If you zoom in you'll see on this particular car that the license plate says OHHH YEA. I assume this is the license plate talking to me, letting me know it's enjoying the heat and hayfeveriness of the day. Actually are you allowed to post pictures of people's license plates online? I dunno. ...it's done now.

I then headed home, but not before stealing some lovely flowers! I would say picked some lovely flowers but technically they were in someones garden, behind a fence, so I think that's called stealing. YES, I overcame my hayfever and went for flowers!

The much talked about "stolen flowers"

Sonic the Hedgehog 2

At long last, I got my Sega Genesis working! Given to me at Xmas from my brother (along with a hell of a lot of games). First time I've ever played a Genesis...hard to believe? Well technically it's true since in Scotland I was playing the Mega Drive.

So, last night I decide to play Sonic 2.

Normally, being the younger child I'm always Player 2, and I like being Player 2. But I had to step it up to being full on Sonic, no more Tails for me. As I played, I made some notes to myself...

(in random order)

• I hate water levels. Hate em, hate em. I keep drowning, bubbles don't appear when I need them! And I'm too damned cavalier to take a bubble when I'm not drowning. (That would be Aquatic Ruin Zone)
• Hill Top Zone! I used to love being Tails here because as soon as the level starts I jump on the vine lift and leave Sonic standing there all by himself with nowhere to go. I find this hilario and will do it everytime. So if you see me giggling at the music for that level it's because I'm thinking of that feeling.
• I don't like when a spring sends me in the wrong direction or into spikes. However I do like it when it sends me to another close by spring and I shoot rapidly back and forth between the two. Ahh, that's the stuff.
• My husband (who was in the room at the time) has never played Sonic, of any kind, ever. And when Casino Night Zone started, he was heard to remark "That's some funky music". Yes. Yes it is.
• Another memory I have of Casino Night Zone, is being Tails, oh my lovely Tails...and getting stuck in walls due a glitch, and floating about the place like an escaped mental patient seeing the world for the first time in years.
•  Mystic Cave Zone! We used to call this the Chippy Zone, cause randomly, EVERY SINGLE TIME we played, someone would bring chippy chips into the house. We used this round sparingly due to this. Alas, last night there were no chippy chips brought to me :( ...though today I found out my brother had chippy chips back in Scotland! SO IT STILL WORKS!!
• Special Stages. Gotta love em. But mostly only as Tails (again). It's too much pressure to collect and avoid while being Sonic. Plus I like spinning in circles and being of use to no one. ...Much as in life! I guess video games really do influence us :O

The Tale of the Werehamster

 Suddenly he awakes...aware that something is a-miss....but what?

The full moon, radiant in its light and scandalous in it's behaviour. It is time.

 He feels it...though oblivious to the fact he is facing the wrong way for photos, damnit!

 The moooooon!

It has turned him from gentle sleepy Chino, into a crazed WEREHAMSTER! The mischief of the moon now passed on....to the creepily smiling boy.

Laura's Blood

I will write this in the same form I wrote about my brother Paul's blood.

Okay, today I had to go to the doctors to get a Tuberculosis test, numerous injections including flu shot and also a blood test. Eek! (eek is for the blood test)

But first I had to enroll in the doctors clinic.

Questions, questions and photo taking for an ID. Wait, taking me photo before I get a blood test?! Better that than after I suppose. Here's the photo:

You can make your own judgements about the expression on my face.

So now to the tests and needles! What? I have to wait around for 40 minutes? Ugh, okay, lets go for a walk. On the walk we see this...

But no time to hang around with Hello Kitty Geisha edition now! We have to get back to the Docs.

Some more questions, weight taking etc. I'm also informed the lab is closed on Saturdays so they can't take my blood today (Friggin' Lab Scientists, you know who you are!)

Nurse takes my temperature with one of those ear thingys. Leaves the room and comes back with a Doctor.

Doctor says do you have a scratchy throat? Sneezing? Etc? (I added the etc) I say no. Doc says my temperature is 99.9. So I can't get the injections. But I can still get the TB test.

They do this test by injecting something into your inner forearm (is that the technical term?) just below your inner elbow (That IS the technical term) just below your skin. You come back a couple days later and they check if your skin has reacted badly to it (I think). So...

Nurse wipes me arm. Comes at me with a little needle so I look away, needle pokes me and I make such a face like this :-# (that's my teeth) and I grab for the person nearest me (You know who you are!).

Oh good, it's all over, didn't even hurt or anything. Nurse walks away and I feel absolutely fine.

Couple minutes later my arm feels weird and BOOM! Everything goes all dizzy, not to mention my hearing goes wacky. Oh I know this feeling, it's fainting time.

Doctor shouts "Get her to a bed! STAT!" (I add this for dramatic effect, otherwise known as a lie)

Anyway, after a while of lying down I feel normal and sit up. Even though I'm apparently all pale (No jokes! I mean paler than normal!) and not to mention all sweaty feeling.

Nurse comes in and laughs and asks "How are you going to do the blood test if this happens from the TB test?" I shrug.

We leave for the waiting room to go home. Then I get told to sit down while the money part is taken care of. I forgot about this part cause I'm not American, I assumed you can just leave but apparently not. You gots to pay your bills!

I'm sitting there and oh man, now I'm getting all dizzy again (it was very hot in there and stuffy, no air movement). I basically sit on the floor for a good 8 minutes maybe? I couldn't really keep track of the time. But once I got outside all was fine! Yay!

But you know what? Now I have to go back on Saturday for rest of the TB test and then on Monday again for many injections and the blood withdrawal. Be warned, that means more stories to come.

Also, I was intermittently giggling while I was all fainty.

The Story of The Cat

Several days ago a cat was sitting in my garden, (for those who don't already know, I love cats) so as you do, I ran out there as fast as I could to take a photo of her with my phone. She saw me and ran...and I chased her, like some feline paparazzi.

She was gone and all I got was this photo...

But the next night she came back and actually stuck around, I played with her and petted her. I noticed at this point she is pregnant! So my mind starts buzzing with "ooh, I could steal her kittens!!!" and such...

For the last few days she has come back everynight. 2 nights ago I let her in and she didn't want to leave so I let her sleep in my bed. She was very strange though, as you can see in this photo she likes to sleep like a human, body on the bed and head on the pillow!

Also, with her face right in my face!

I would like to take this opportunity to say if you are a stray and would like to sleep in bed with me, you know where to find me. NOTE: this only applies to stray cats...not stray humans.

Anyway! I really hope she comes here when she is going to deliver her kittens, it's much safer for her and the kittens to be here than out on the streets. Plus I want to steal her kittens!!

Damn, just realized I posted a photo of me with no make up.

Scarf Dog

I went through the park today but there were no people. Just a lonesome little dog.

But this dog was different from the rest. For it wore a blue checkered scarf. I ran after the dog.

Wanting to know it's secret. How it got it's scarf checkered. Cause I wanted to do the same to mine. 

But the dog got away. 

I've seen many dogs since then but none that dared to wear a scarf.

Written and drawn by Laura D! Yeah boy! Bet you've never heard a more poignant story than that!

The Story of a Cat....

 Waiting for the traffic lights to change.... 

 Realizes it's just a sign and will never change.....

Does an impression of a kangaroo! (if you zoom in)

A trip to the field (or "field trip" if you will)

Back in June, Paul and I went on a trip to the field to take some photos. I thought I'd tell you all the events of that day...


Just before we got to the field we passed by my old Primary School. As you can see in the photo, it has been torn down. And that is some fake sadness I'm expressing. Clouds in the background look cool, spooky. I always like spooky.

We arrive at the field! I haven't been here since I was a kid.

Once we crossed over 2 barbed wire fences we decided to keep walking and go up to the forrest. Little did I remember there was marsh (swamps) and we walked right onto it. Hoping that it was only a small patch we kept walking, then I noticed the water was getting in my shoes and in my socks. Did not like that feeling. Then Paul started sinking. I said something (I don't remember what) cause I couldn't walk in the marsh (swamp) anymore. So Paul lifted me up to carry me out of it and back onto the regular grass. Then he started sinking more. Then he threw me!! I went flying through the air for what seemed like minutes! Luckily I landed on my feet cause I have cat DNA....that's a possible reason.

I drew a heart on the fence....that's how sweet I am :D


Making a wish! But for what?

And here is real sadness expressed by me. I cannot climb over the barbed wire fence to get home because the barbed wire digs into my leg everytime I try. After a long time, Paul eventually lifts me once I give him specific instructions as follows:

"DO NOT FLING ME THROUGH THE AIR AGAIN"