For Bud "The Morning Stovies"

"THE MORNING STOVIES" 

Frost litters the car park
Cold demanding heat
A distant dog "bark bark"
He'll take his morning stovies

I don't know which part is the Stovie
But he knows
Yes, he knows
Which part is the Stovie

I don't know Stovie from Stevie
I think it's the mince...or potato
Or does it have mince?!!
Woah

He'll take those morning Stovies now.

By Laura D

If You Point A Camera At Me, I Will End Up Doing Something Weird

Yes. I am sucking the rabbit's brains out with a crazy straw.

Classic Conversations with Laura D

Based on a true story...

...actually, word for word a true story...

LD: hey wait
LD: gold diggers, right?
LD: aren't they originally men?
LD: how come they swapped it over?
Bud: oh yeah
LD: hahahha
Bud: hahahaha
LD: it's the men that are the TRUE gold diggers!
Bud: coal aswell
LD: coal diggers
LD: santa must employ a few of those
Bud: yesss
LD: for the naughty listers
Bud: Dave lister
LD: I think he might get coal
LD: but if it's in vindaloo sauce he'd probably just eat it
Bud: ohhh
Bud: That will be rd11
LD: coal in vindaloo sauce
Bud: rimmer gets coal and tries to find out what he did
Bud: scary voice
Bud: u killed 168 ppl
Bud: "oh that"
LD: this is great
LD: I believe they call it fanfic
LD: like when Mulder and Scully went on a picnic
Bud: hahaha
Bud: strange
LD: thank you

Small Burgers

I knew this French guy one time. He was a burger guy, served you burgers. But they were so small, you needed to eat 2 of them. Problem was he was stubborn. He'd only let you have one burger. His name was Tahpel. I was regularly heard to be shouting "Come on Tahpel! 2!"

5 points if you understand this story. Good for you.

Laura D's Editorial on Piggys

One went to market, which I wouldn't recommend

One went home, so that was cool for him

One had roast beef, which means he ate a cow

One pig had none, so he was probably hungry

And the last one was upset by all the chaos, so that's why he went "wewewewewe"

Guilt Fish

My husband suggested we buy some little fish for the pond out back. Fishies in the garden, yay! So we go to PetSmart to get these minnows (some sort of tiny fish).

15 cents, they cost. Jeez oh, that's cheap. "We'll take a dozen" he tells the guy. The guy opens the tank and proceeds to collect the fish.

"15 cents," I think, "For a living thing...."

All of a sudden I start to feel very strange. An odd, uncomfortable feeling.

The guy drops a fish on the table accidentally, and gathers it up again with a little blue net.

I look around. "Hey those goldfish cost 17 cents. ...how come the goldfish cost two more?" my mind continues, "And those geezers over there! They're $3.50 each!" This confuses me, at best.

I look back at the guy. There's not a dozen yet, he goes back to the tank. One falls on the floor, it takes him 3 attempts to pick it up.

I'm not enjoying this.

He stuffs em in a plastic bag and puts a hose in it, it puffs up like a balloon.

This does not feel right at all. I want to run and hide by the hamsters. But they all have wet tail!

I hear birds chirping and screeching like maniacs in a closed off room, marked "Staff Only". I bet there are diseased hammys in there too.

GUILT! That's what it is! $1.80 for 12 little creatures! Man. This sucks.

Anyway, here are the fishies....

I call this one big eye, because of his...big eye. The other 11 are yet to be named but are all happily in a pond now. Soon to be accidentally licked by thirsty squirrels.

The Dream Poem

I had a dream last night, everyone kept going on and on about this kid who won a poetry contest. They kept saying it's the best poem they've ever read. After much wondering, at the end of the dream I got to see it. It was engraved on this black piece of, I dunno, thing. And this was it...

"Camel identity

Worth ink"

Now if anyone can figure out what the hell that means, I would be more than interested to know!

Speaking of which, why do poems have to be so cryptic? Why can't you just have a good old fashioned poem where you don't need to crack a code? Like, oh I don't know....this one I just wrote...

Buttocks, buttocks

They're so great

Sat on by a buttock

That's my fate

This poem represents my premonition of dying by accidentally being sat on by a fat person.

Also, poets should have to explain their poems. The way I just did. Cause I'm cool.

Buttocks.

"How to Get Hyper" A Poem in 3 Languages (by Laura D)

English:
Give me some coffee
And possibly a toffee
Add some sugar, 3 spoons
And we'll watch some cartoons

Dinner we can skip
Just have a long sip
of Red Bull that's cool
That can be our fuel!

Chew some glucose tablets
And someone grab that atlas
We're going on a trip!
But not on a cruise ship

Alright, now it's time
To act like a mime
We're not thinking straight
I'm Alexander the Great


Scottish:
Geez sum coffee
An probly a toffee
Put sugar in it, 3 spoons ay it
En we kin watch sum cartoons

Tea we kin skip
Jist hiv a big sip
a Red Bull ats cool
At'll be oor fuel

Chew on sum glucose tablits
An sumbdy geez at atlas
We're goin on a trip
Bit naw on a crooz ship

Awrite, noo it's time
Tay act lik a mime
We're naw hinkin straight
Am Alexander ay Great

Gizoogle:
Gimme some coffee
And possibly a toffee
Add some sugar, 3 spoons, nahmeean?
And we'll peep some cartoons, biaaatch!

Dinner we can skip
Just gotz a long-ass sip
of Red Bull thatz cool
That can be our fuel!

Chew some glucose tablets
And one of mah thugs grab dat atlas
We goin on a trip!
But not on a cold-ass lil cruise ship

Alright, now itz time
To act like a mime
We not thankin straight
I be Alexander tha Great