A Nursery Rhyme by Laura D

*Tick tock* "Marjorie Dock" 
Who in the hell are you?
I've never hear of you before
And put down that bomb.

By Laura D 

First posted on Twitter HERE

A Joke

Have you heard the one about the guy with amnesia?
Neither has he.

Thank you, I'm here all night.

Literally, here all night. I don't sleep.

Thank you.

From The Heart AKA At My Wits End

         The woodlands were damp and dark that April night, her eyes reflected magnificently in the moon's glow. I was neither handsome nor cool. But she was stupid, so I convinced her I was both handsome and cool. She looked up at me,

“You must be the tallest in this whole country!” 

She hadn't seemed to notice I was sitting atop a tree.

“Of course I am! Come sit up here by me, my dear. It's cold down there on the grass, and up here we can see the whole town, all the houses!”

She tried. Boy, did she try. But those stubby legs were getting her nowhere.

“Come on, I ain't got all night darlin'!”

After 45 minutes of watching her struggle I made my way carefully down in an awkward, about to lose my footing sort of fashion, like the hero I am. Rubbing my cheek against hers, I said,

“Let's take a walk, baby. There's a house yonder I have my eye on.”

Now is when I, Laura D, the editor of this beautiful story must insist on cutting in and then cutting out what the original author had written next. It was graphic and unnecessarily silly.

And now is when I, the CEO of D-LightFilled Publishing®, for legal reasons would like to step in and clarify a few things:

1. The author of this story is one “Stripey the Cat”
2. The editor of this story is one Laura D McBryde
3. The CEO of D-LightFilled Publishing® is that same Laura D McBryde, or maybe it isn't, you don't know.

Now that's all out of the way...this story was based on a true one.

Stripey, one April night, impregnated Cali the kitten, who then came to live with the CEO of D-LightFilled Publishing® and gave birth, hence how our whole family is now stupid with cats. All of this was fine until recently when Mr Stripey rediscovered where Cali lives and has moved himself and all of his belongings in (including his....wait, what's the organ that produces farts? Because he's certainly moved that into the house too).

IF YOU KNOW THIS GUY PLEASE CONTACT ME @lauradmcbryde on Twitter or in the comments here.

Here's his picture. He had it done by a professional using some money I had set aside for the icey.

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THIS GUY PLEASE CONTACT ME @lauradmcbryde on Twitter or again, in the comments here.

Thank you.

Open Letter to Chris Carter of The X-Files

For Bud "The Morning Stovies"

"THE MORNING STOVIES" 

Frost litters the car park
Cold demanding heat
A distant dog "bark bark"
He'll take his morning stovies

I don't know which part is the Stovie
But he knows
Yes, he knows
Which part is the Stovie

I don't know Stovie from Stevie
I think it's the mince...or potato
Or does it have mince?!!
Woah

He'll take those morning Stovies now.

By Laura D

The New Lion King

I was recently treated to a live reenactment of The Lion King. Starring Brutus and Arnie!

 

Kittens are fun.

"Star Trek Beyond" Review

ABSOLUTELY NO SPOILERS EDITION!

This is a movie about spacemen. Things happen with the spacemen. Then the spacemen do things.

Score?
I like this movie. I give it 3 bourbon creams and a black jelly baby!

Okay, I'm off to experience bij.

From the Bud and D Vault: Laura D's Report Card

I've been going through many of my notebooks of late. I came across one page that Bud wrote to me and thought I'd share...

No.19        Date 17.10.11

Laura shows promise in skills such as

• Monkeying around
• Voice impressions
• Stealing crisps (particularly S + Vinegar)
• Swearing
• Chewing + talking (simultaneous)
• Reading lists

In these regards Laura is a good pupil.

Well done!

(Then he drew a smiley face and tick)

If You Point A Camera At Me, I Will End Up Doing Something Weird

Yes. I am sucking the rabbit's brains out with a crazy straw.

The Whole Kitten Caboodle

So we had a little event in the early hours of Monday morning. 1.30am to be specific!

I was awakened by a punch in the eye from Cali the cat. "Ouch! Get off, you." This was followed by the "lion killing an antelope" move, teeth straight into my throat! I suddenly realize what's happening, it's time for that now basketball sized belly to pop. So I Michael Jordan it the hell out of bed (I don't know enough about basketball to make a proper analogy so just accept that sentence).

We sit for about 20 minutes together at the top of the stairs, ever wondered what a cat having contractions looks like? Well here you go...

Much what I imagine a human having contractions looks like, with less susceptability for meme-ing.

We eventually head downstairs and (I'll spare you all the gory details and pics) yada, yada, yada, 5 kittens!!

Okay, one gory(ish) pic...

Slimey kittens!

It took 4 hours in total then all 7 of us collapsed. Til the mewwwwing awoke us.

Now enjoy some adorable kitten pics!

Individual posts about each kitten coming to a blog near you!

Well it's coming to my blog.

At some point. 

Stop hassling me!

The Comet Festival!

So on my way to pick up some cat litter (more on that little nugget tomorrow, oh the excitement! Hold that excitement lest you need some cat litter of your own...don't poop your pants! ...is what I'm saying. I think. ...I'm off track. Let's restart this post...)

So on my way to pick up some cat litter, I stopped of at the Comet Festival. Oh the excitement! Don't poop your pants.

"Fun fair" is a bit of a stretch, though I'm sure they were having fun in the beer tent. ...which is fair enough. I guess it is a fun fair then.

One of the rides, or a ghost house maybe. Anyway I was very fond of the pirate flags atop so I took it's picture.

A giant Mickey Mouse inflatable slide! Mickey always seems to show up at these things. You'd think he'd be too much of a big shot, but there he is, sitting up on high, looking down on all, like the fat cat he is. ...Or big cheese, if you will.

Kid with a super cool Hello Kitty balloon!! I was so jealous I went on a mission to, per chance, purchase one of my own. Turns out it was out of my price range: £3.50. Eff off! I don't have that kind of money! So for £1 I got the toughest, roughest, baddest mofo glitter tattoo they had.

That's right, a disembodied My Little Pony head. You just try not to have that haunt your dreams!!

And then it rained, no, THUNDERSTORMED on my walk home.

But we can't end a blogpost on such a note, so here is a very pretty, if soaked rose in my garden.

The Bonkers Brexit Bulletin

I'm sure we've all been receiving these EU in/out leaflets in the post. Yesterday my brother and I recieved one each from the same group. And yet they were different. We were targeted in very different manners. I thought I'd share it with you all. (Keeping in mind we live at the same address and are basically the same age, the only variant is male/female)

Here's the leaflet my brother got:

The front.

(Address is above, I've cut that out.

Don't need this "Marty Lewis" comin' to ma hoose seekin' revenge)

Inside.

A collection of quotes from experts and celebrity types.

The back.

Some good, positive reasons to stay in the EU.

The fold-out poster.

Again, lovely and positive.

Now onto what they sent me...

AAAAAAAARGH!! MY FUTURE IS AT STAKE!

Unless they meant steak...my future is steak? That'd be okay with me.

Also notice how they've printed my name in big letters.

LAURA

To really get my attention. This leaflet is just for me! Yay!

BUT MY FUTURE IS STEAK!! AAAAARGH!

The back.

BIG SCARY LETTERS

Freaky weirdo face.

Farage is gonna speak for me, nooooo!

He's gonna be Ursula and steal my voice :(

The fold-out poster.

....and that's it.

No other info for me. No quotes. No nothin'.

Far be it for me to insinuate that this is sexist, what with the facts and reasoned arguments for my brother and the scare tactics and negative campaigning for me. For all I know they are just well aware of who I am, anxiety disorder et al. and are taking advantage of that. (Like how I used et al there? Am posh noo)

Anyway, full disclosure: I'm voting to remain. And not because of these leaflets, though my hamster thanks the group for the extra bedding.

Random Things I Find Interesting

• The high percentage of smokers that are ALWAYS in the big brother house. It's way higher than the general public. What's going on there?! Maybe so they can punish them by taking away the cigarettes? Who the fork knows.
• When a protestor interrupts a Donald Trump rally, he routinely says "They're professional agitators". Mr Trump, I think YOU'RE the professional agitator.
• Black Jelly Babies. They are the tastiest! Like I've always said, once you go black jelly baby you don't go back jelly baby.
• Hayfeves. That's my cool new word for hayfever. Aw man av got the hayfeves. Full blast. (Full blast is also my cool new phrase.)
• If they had let me join the army when I first applied I'd be a Lieutenant Colonel by now. Lieutenant Colonel Laura D. ...sounds good to me!
• The best part of that "Ring My Bell" song is how it goes on and on about the bell. You can ring my bell. Ring my bell. My bell. Ring my bell.

The Birthday Roundup!

A week since turning 29, here is a (rhyming) photo essay of my birthday. Enjoy!

Feeling cool as Fred Astaire

This new top hat I'll wear

Like the call from a bugle

There's a birthday wish from Google

Breakfast: hyper inducing,

Let's eat that giant cupcake

Then some trick shots and no mistake

Not hyper enough?

 How 'bout a Dolce Gusto coffee pod?

It's like drinking satin,

Then we'll sing like Princess Jasmine

 

Or like Princess Ariel

But like a princess for sure.

I don't care if you're a man,

You're not getting to be Peter Pan

You're a princess

And a wonderful present

I must say

Cause it's practically perfect in every way

The sun is shining

And I feel debonair

Cause today I am cool

Like Mr Fred Astaire

Who Did I Vote For?

I didn't appreciate the choices given so I voted for a write in candidate...

Yes, Trump would've been a funnier write in but I just couldn't bring myself to do that.

Death Of A Snowman

 

 

 

Blood Thieves - A Poem

If you can keep your blood

When all around

Are losing theirs

Then you're a better man than me

Ugghhh...I'm gonna fai--

by Laura D

Welcome to a New Year!

2016! A brand new, sparkly clean year. Ready to be muddied up with all sorts of crazy new memories. Hopefully good ones, like making mud pie, or perhaps Button Soup...but I'd need a button...and some onion...and it'd taste better with a carrot.

Bud and I watched Sherlock: The Abominable Bride. The sight of Tim McInnery and a woman in a white gown and veil had us worried that my "Strange Case Of Sherlock Holmes and Arthur Conan Doyle" photo would pop up! Alas...no. The BBC does own the rights though so I wouldn't be surprised if it pops up somewhere, sometime.

Sincerely,
The Abominable D.

Planes, Airtrains and Automoplanes

Recently I had a 3 plane connecting flight, that means I was in 4 different countries in less than 24 hours. Very confusing for your brain, by the way. Thinking you're in one country when you're in another, thinking it's bedtime when it's 11am. Anyhoo, I figure it'd be interesting to show you the difference between various countries from above. So without further Abu...

 San Francisco, USA

Ain't those mountains pretty? They probably have a name but I dunno what it is.

I'm gonna say....the Franny Mounties.

 Frankfurt, Germany.

My first ever time in Germany! And a security guy there thought I was German.

Strange, as all the years I've spent in America, not once did anyone think I was American.

A child? Sure, all the time. (heightist!!)

 London, England.

Over a golf course apparently. No idea which golf course, of course.

I'm gonna say...Nodnol Golf Course.

 Glasgow, Scotland.

Yep, one look at the sky tells you where you are.

And just in case you were still confused about where you are. Lovely Scottish rain lets you know.