A Poem For Bob

          You used to look so alien
Black holes for eyes, a daunted gaze
at all you saw. My heart ablazed.
Your soft, white fur, tiny body,
Oversized cranium
Again, those eyes, which still amaze.

           You're my alien baby Bobby.

"Gulls"

Why is it
you did it?
That streak on
my window.

I contemplate
"An aim?"
You counter,
with my cat's name.

By Laura D

A Nursery Rhyme by Laura D

*Tick tock* "Marjorie Dock" 
Who in the hell are you?
I've never hear of you before
And put down that bomb.

By Laura D 

First posted on Twitter HERE

Coffee Stirrers - A Poem

Coffee stirrers, two
Clouding out my worded page
Changing it's hue
It almost looks staged
That stupid cross
Upon mine page.

By Laura D

A Joke

Have you heard the one about the guy with amnesia?
Neither has he.

Thank you, I'm here all night.

Literally, here all night. I don't sleep.

Thank you.

From The Heart AKA At My Wits End

         The woodlands were damp and dark that April night, her eyes reflected magnificently in the moon's glow. I was neither handsome nor cool. But she was stupid, so I convinced her I was both handsome and cool. She looked up at me,

“You must be the tallest in this whole country!” 

She hadn't seemed to notice I was sitting atop a tree.

“Of course I am! Come sit up here by me, my dear. It's cold down there on the grass, and up here we can see the whole town, all the houses!”

She tried. Boy, did she try. But those stubby legs were getting her nowhere.

“Come on, I ain't got all night darlin'!”

After 45 minutes of watching her struggle I made my way carefully down in an awkward, about to lose my footing sort of fashion, like the hero I am. Rubbing my cheek against hers, I said,

“Let's take a walk, baby. There's a house yonder I have my eye on.”

Now is when I, Laura D, the editor of this beautiful story must insist on cutting in and then cutting out what the original author had written next. It was graphic and unnecessarily silly.

And now is when I, the CEO of D-LightFilled Publishing®, for legal reasons would like to step in and clarify a few things:

1. The author of this story is one “Stripey the Cat”
2. The editor of this story is one Laura D McBryde
3. The CEO of D-LightFilled Publishing® is that same Laura D McBryde, or maybe it isn't, you don't know.

Now that's all out of the way...this story was based on a true one.

Stripey, one April night, impregnated Cali the kitten, who then came to live with the CEO of D-LightFilled Publishing® and gave birth, hence how our whole family is now stupid with cats. All of this was fine until recently when Mr Stripey rediscovered where Cali lives and has moved himself and all of his belongings in (including his....wait, what's the organ that produces farts? Because he's certainly moved that into the house too).

IF YOU KNOW THIS GUY PLEASE CONTACT ME @lauradmcbryde on Twitter or in the comments here.

Here's his picture. He had it done by a professional using some money I had set aside for the icey.

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THIS GUY PLEASE CONTACT ME @lauradmcbryde on Twitter or again, in the comments here.

Thank you.

Open Letter to Chris Carter of The X-Files

"How To Befriend a Clock" by Laura D

How To Befriend a Clock

Please take your courage and a sock
This is how we'll befriend a clock
Just don't waste time, go grab it's hands
And punch it in the pituitary gland.

You may feel ashamed and stare at your feet
But that's what the sock's for.

By Laura D

A Poem For My Dad

I wrote this poem the day after watching my Dad die in hospital.

Elegy For Jupiter

BY LAURA D MCBRYDE

Mere days ago, we sat with you
You laughed, we laughed and sighed
Now I sit alone, in front of you
I feel like I have died.

The songs are gone, and jokes are too
With you, they were all intertwined
Now I sit alone, in front of you
And I can't be revived.

The lucky ones, who loved with you
In vivid colours, blue and white
We sit together, in front of you
Our Paul Stephen McBryde. 


(Jupiter has the strongest gravitational pull of any planet, drawing everything in. My Dad had a similar pull, everyone was drawn to him.)
4 June 2018

A Few of my Xmas Presents

...in the snow. Because, well, it snowed. I don't need another reason.

 

Lady and the Tramp! Tramp is a lot bigger than he seems in this picture.

 A beautiful Bill Skarsgård desk calendar!
(And Cali...but don't count her, she isn't a present)

 A captain's hat. Yep. A captain's hat. Avast ye!!

Or wait, maybe that's pirates.

 

Fitzcarraldo on dvd!

 And at long last, I finally get a Dallas mask. Now I can go rob banks and fix drills whenever I damned well please!

For Bud "The Morning Stovies"

"THE MORNING STOVIES" 

Frost litters the car park
Cold demanding heat
A distant dog "bark bark"
He'll take his morning stovies

I don't know which part is the Stovie
But he knows
Yes, he knows
Which part is the Stovie

I don't know Stovie from Stevie
I think it's the mince...or potato
Or does it have mince?!!
Woah

He'll take those morning Stovies now.

By Laura D

The New Lion King

I was recently treated to a live reenactment of The Lion King. Starring Brutus and Arnie!

 

Kittens are fun.

RIP Minnie

Minnie the Kitten

My little princess fought hard.

She spent her last moments in my arms, lifting her tiny shaking head and letting out some final, quiet, croaking meows before lowering her head and taking one more breath. ...a few heartbeats later and she was gone.

I cut up one of my cardigans to create a soft pillow for her to lie on. Covered it in a red satin sheet. And placed it (and her) in a metal box.

The box reads,

"All dressed up for dreaming"

A rose upon her grave.

As we buried her I played this exact version of Everybody Wants To Be A Cat on my phone...

Cali then visited her girl...

"Star Trek Beyond" Review

ABSOLUTELY NO SPOILERS EDITION!

This is a movie about spacemen. Things happen with the spacemen. Then the spacemen do things.

Score?
I like this movie. I give it 3 bourbon creams and a black jelly baby!

Okay, I'm off to experience bij.

From the Bud and D Vault: Laura D's Report Card

I've been going through many of my notebooks of late. I came across one page that Bud wrote to me and thought I'd share...

No.19        Date 17.10.11

Laura shows promise in skills such as

• Monkeying around
• Voice impressions
• Stealing crisps (particularly S + Vinegar)
• Swearing
• Chewing + talking (simultaneous)
• Reading lists

In these regards Laura is a good pupil.

Well done!

(Then he drew a smiley face and tick)

If You Point A Camera At Me, I Will End Up Doing Something Weird

Yes. I am sucking the rabbit's brains out with a crazy straw.

The Independence Day Kitten Photoshoot (And Controversy?)

I was going to post this last one to Twitter then realized the kittens had self-segregated and were making some sort of socio-political statement. I thought best they shouldn't start a Twitter Storm at just 7 days old.

The Whole Kitten Caboodle

So we had a little event in the early hours of Monday morning. 1.30am to be specific!

I was awakened by a punch in the eye from Cali the cat. "Ouch! Get off, you." This was followed by the "lion killing an antelope" move, teeth straight into my throat! I suddenly realize what's happening, it's time for that now basketball sized belly to pop. So I Michael Jordan it the hell out of bed (I don't know enough about basketball to make a proper analogy so just accept that sentence).

We sit for about 20 minutes together at the top of the stairs, ever wondered what a cat having contractions looks like? Well here you go...

Much what I imagine a human having contractions looks like, with less susceptability for meme-ing.

We eventually head downstairs and (I'll spare you all the gory details and pics) yada, yada, yada, 5 kittens!!

Okay, one gory(ish) pic...

Slimey kittens!

It took 4 hours in total then all 7 of us collapsed. Til the mewwwwing awoke us.

Now enjoy some adorable kitten pics!

Individual posts about each kitten coming to a blog near you!

Well it's coming to my blog.

At some point. 

Stop hassling me!

The Comet Festival!

So on my way to pick up some cat litter (more on that little nugget tomorrow, oh the excitement! Hold that excitement lest you need some cat litter of your own...don't poop your pants! ...is what I'm saying. I think. ...I'm off track. Let's restart this post...)

So on my way to pick up some cat litter, I stopped of at the Comet Festival. Oh the excitement! Don't poop your pants.

"Fun fair" is a bit of a stretch, though I'm sure they were having fun in the beer tent. ...which is fair enough. I guess it is a fun fair then.

One of the rides, or a ghost house maybe. Anyway I was very fond of the pirate flags atop so I took it's picture.

A giant Mickey Mouse inflatable slide! Mickey always seems to show up at these things. You'd think he'd be too much of a big shot, but there he is, sitting up on high, looking down on all, like the fat cat he is. ...Or big cheese, if you will.

Kid with a super cool Hello Kitty balloon!! I was so jealous I went on a mission to, per chance, purchase one of my own. Turns out it was out of my price range: £3.50. Eff off! I don't have that kind of money! So for £1 I got the toughest, roughest, baddest mofo glitter tattoo they had.

That's right, a disembodied My Little Pony head. You just try not to have that haunt your dreams!!

And then it rained, no, THUNDERSTORMED on my walk home.

But we can't end a blogpost on such a note, so here is a very pretty, if soaked rose in my garden.

What Once Was...